Toddler Tantrums, Big Emotions, and Realistic Routines

If you have a toddler, chances are you’ve experienced a tantrum in the middle of a store, in the car, at bedtime, or honestly, over something that seemed very small to you as the adult.

This Is What Overwhelm Looks Like

Toddler tantrums are not just misbehavior. Toddlers are still learning how to navigate big emotions, frustration, transitions, hunger, exhaustion, and the world around them. With calm responses, realistic routines, and consistent boundaries, parents can help guide children through the storm.

Maybe you said no to a snack.
Maybe you picked the “wrong” cup.
Maybe it was time to leave the playground.
Maybe your child was exhausted, hungry, overstimulated, or simply frustrated that they could not fully communicate what they wanted.

And suddenly, there are tears, screaming, kicking, falling on the floor, or what feels like complete emotional chaos.

Toddler tantrums can feel overwhelming for parents, especially when you are trying to figure out:

• Why is this happening?

• What am I supposed to do?

• Should I comfort them?

• Ignore it?

• Walk away?

• Hold the boundary?

• Am I making this worse?

As a parent educator and childcare professional, one of the biggest things I try to reassure families about is this:

Toddler tantrums are typical. They are a very normal part of child development. But how adults respond to tantrums is everything.

Children learn through patterns, consistency, and responses. When boundaries are clear and parents remain calm and consistent, tantrums often become easier to manage over time. But when boundaries change every time a child screams, cries, or falls out, children quickly learn that those behaviors may change the outcome. And honestly, that can sometimes lead to tantrums happening more frequently or becoming even bigger over time.

That does not mean tantrums are easy.
And it does not mean children should simply be allowed to do whatever they want.

But tantrums themselves are not automatically a sign that something is “wrong” with your child.

What’s Actually Happening During a Toddler Tantrum?

Toddlers are still learning how to navigate the world, their emotions, and the people around them.

A lot of times, parents think tantrums are only about behavior, but many tantrums are really about emotional overload.

Toddlers experience frustration very intensely. They have big feelings but very limited emotional regulation skills. They often know what they want, but they may not yet have the language, impulse control, flexibility, or coping skills to manage disappointment.

That can feel incredibly overwhelming for them.

And honestly, toddlers are constantly learning:

• how people respond to them

• how boundaries work

• how routines work

• and how their behaviors impact the environment around them

I know the word “manipulation” can make people uncomfortable when talking about children, but sometimes toddlers do learn that certain behaviors create certain reactions.

That does not make them “bad.”

They are learning patterns.

If screaming changes the outcome every time, children naturally begin connecting that behavior to getting what they want. That’s why consistency and boundaries matter so much.

Tantrums Should Not Be Punished — But Boundaries Still Matter

I think this is one of the biggest misunderstandings when it comes to toddler behavior.

Children should not get in trouble simply for having emotions.

But emotions and boundaries are two different things.

You can allow a child to feel upset while still holding a limit.

For example, there are situations where children genuinely do not have a choice.

Maybe it’s nap time.
Maybe they need to get in the car seat.
Maybe they need a diaper change.
Maybe it’s time to leave.

That does not mean parents need to yell, threaten, or escalate emotionally.

One thing I often do with children is provide choices within the boundary.

For example:

You pick your child up from school and tell them:
“When we get inside, you can either finish your lunch or take your nap.”

Then your child says:
“I don’t want lunch or a nap. I want to play.”

This is where many parents accidentally begin negotiating the boundary because they want to avoid the tantrum.

But the boundary still stays the boundary.

So instead of escalating emotionally, you calmly repeat:
“These are your options. You can finish your lunch or take your nap.”

If they do not want lunch, then nap becomes the next step.
If they are not ready for nap, then they may finish lunch.

But the options do not suddenly change because the child is upset.

And honestly, that consistency is what helps children feel secure over time.

So What Should Parents Actually Do During a Tantrum?

Honestly, this is usually the biggest question parents have in the middle of a tantrum:
“What am I actually supposed to do right now?”

And the answer is not always one specific thing because every child and every situation is different.

But generally, the goal during a tantrum is:

• staying calm

• keeping everyone safe

• maintaining the boundary

• and helping your child work through the emotion without escalating the situation further

One of the biggest things parents can do is avoid matching the child’s emotional intensity.

If your child is screaming and crying and the adult begins yelling too, the situation usually escalates very quickly.

Calm nervous systems help calm nervous systems.

That does not mean you cannot feel frustrated.
It does not mean parenting is easy.
It just means regulating yourself first is often the most helpful thing you can do in that moment.

Sometimes I tell parents:
Your child is borrowing your calm until they learn how to create their own.

Depending on the situation, you may:

• stay nearby quietly

• offer comfort

• validate feelings

• repeat the boundary calmly

• reduce stimulation

• or simply allow the tantrum to pass safely

For example, your child may be screaming because they want another cookie before dinner.

Instead of saying:
“Fine, just take the cookie.”

Or escalating by yelling:
“You need to stop crying right now!”

You might calmly respond with:
“I know you really want another cookie.”
“You’re upset because the answer is no.”
“We’re about to eat dinner, so we’re not having another cookie right now.”

Then the boundary stays the boundary.

Or another example:

Your toddler is upset because it is time to leave the playground.

You can say:
“I know you’re having fun.”
“You really wish we could stay longer.”
“It’s hard to leave when you’re enjoying yourself.”
“But it’s time for us to go home.”

That is what validating emotions without removing the boundary can look like in real life.

And honestly, sometimes less talking is better.

Many toddlers are too emotionally overwhelmed during tantrums to process long explanations in the moment. Sometimes parents accidentally overtalk during tantrums when what the child actually needs is calm presence and consistency.

If a child is becoming unsafe:

• hitting

• throwing objects

• hurting themselves

• hurting others

…then safety becomes the priority.

That may look like:

• removing objects

• moving the child to a calmer space

• holding a boundary firmly

• or staying physically close while helping them calm down safely

And honestly?
Sometimes the tantrum just needs to run its course.

Not every tantrum can be stopped immediately.

Toddlers are still learning emotional regulation, frustration tolerance, flexibility, and communication. Those are developmental skills that take years to build.

The goal is not perfection.

The goal is helping children learn over time:

• emotions are okay

• boundaries still exist

• and they are safe even when they are upset.

Children Thrive on Routine

I honestly cannot emphasize routines enough when it comes to toddler behavior.

Children thrive on knowing what comes next.

Predictability helps children feel safe because their nervous systems begin learning what to expect throughout the day.

Sometimes parents notice this without even realizing it.

For example, you may walk into your child’s bedroom at a certain time each day and they immediately begin fussing because they already know it’s nap time.

But then bedtime itself may actually go smoothly because the routine feels familiar and predictable.

Routines reduce power struggles because children know what’s happening next.

This also applies to transitions.

Transitions are hard for toddlers because stopping one activity and moving to another requires flexibility and emotional regulation, which are still developing skills.

That’s why talking children through transitions ahead of time can be incredibly helpful.

I often tell children:
“After we finish this, we’re going home.”
“When we get home, we’re going to eat dinner, take a bath, and then get ready for bed.”

Explaining what comes next helps transitions feel less sudden and overwhelming.

Sleep and Hunger Matter More Than Parents Realize

Honestly, sleep and hunger play a huge role in toddler behavior.

Adults use the term “hangry” all the time, and toddlers absolutely experience the same thing.

If it’s close to lunchtime and your child is suddenly having a huge meltdown over something small, hunger may be playing a role.

The same thing happens with sleep.

An overtired child is much more likely to experience bigger emotions, more frustration, and more difficulty regulating themselves.

And the thing is, toddlers already struggle with emotional regulation because their brains are still developing.

So when you add:

• exhaustion

• hunger

• overstimulation

• transitions

• frustration

…it can make tantrums feel much bigger and happen much more frequently.

Research consistently shows that consistent routines and healthy sleep are strongly connected to emotional regulation, behavior, and overall child well-being. Read more about routines, emotional regulation, and child development here.

What Calm Parenting Actually Looks Like

I think social media has created a very unrealistic image of “calm parenting.”

People sometimes think calm parenting means never feeling frustrated, never getting overwhelmed, and always responding perfectly.

That’s not realistic.

Parents are human too.

I get frustrated with children sometimes in my own work. That is normal.

The important part is remaining calm in your response.

Because honestly, if the adult escalates emotionally, the child usually escalates emotionally too.

One thing I always remind myself is:
“If I am not calm, the child will definitely not be calm.”

Calm parenting is not permissive parenting.

It does not mean allowing children to do whatever they want.

It means:

• regulating yourself first

• responding calmly

• holding clear boundaries

• and helping children feel emotionally safe even when they are upset

Gentle Parenting Does NOT Mean “No Boundaries”

This is another huge misunderstanding online.

Gentle parenting does not mean letting children control everything.

It means:

• allowing children to express emotions

• giving choices when appropriate

• respecting development

• teaching skills

• and explaining expectations calmly

Children can absolutely have emotions while adults still maintain structure.

Both things can exist together.

Emotional Regulation Starts With the Adult

One of the biggest things parents can do during tantrums is regulate themselves first.

Sometimes that means:

• taking deep breaths

• lowering your voice

• pausing before responding

• or stepping away briefly if needed

Deep breathing is actually scientifically proven to help calm the nervous system and regulate the body during stress.

And honestly, children learn emotional regulation largely through co-regulation first, meaning they learn from calm, regulated adults around them. Learn more about co-regulation and emotional development here.

If you are emotionally overwhelmed and your child is emotionally overwhelmed, things can escalate very quickly.

Sometimes the safest and healthiest thing a parent can do is pause, breathe, and regulate themselves before responding further.

A Realistic Reminder for Parents

Toddler tantrums are hard.
Public meltdowns are hard.
Parenting is hard.

But tantrums do not mean your child is bad.
And they do not mean you are failing.

Toddlers are learning:

• emotional regulation

• communication

• boundaries

• flexibility

• routines

• and how the world works

That takes time.

What matters most is not perfection. It is consistency, connection, boundaries, and realistic expectations over time.

And honestly?
Sometimes staying calm is the biggest win of the day.

You Don’t Have to Navigate Toddler Behavior Alone

Toddler years can be beautiful, exhausting, emotional, and overwhelming all at the same time.

If you’re looking for more support around tantrums, emotional regulation, routines, boundaries, and realistic parenting strategies, our Toddler Behavior & Big Feelings Workshop was created for exactly that.

Learn more about the workshop here: Register Today for our Toddler Behavior & Big Feelings Workshop